Tuesday, December 26, 2006
something's wrong
i had an anxiety attack today (that's what the doc calls it).
why? i have no idea. my life isn't exactly idyllic. it's a permanent tight rope walk for me. juggling fulfilling duties, shouldering responsibilities, caring for others and caring for myself. balancing between holding up everything around me and keeping them functioning, and holding everything inside me together as well. one only has so much time and energy. i tread a fine line. the ice is starting to crack. it's easy to say '"aw man, fuck it!" and walk away and not give a shit. it's much harder to extricate yourself from dilemmas in reality.
lexotan. that's what the little white things are called. they take away the weight that crushes my chest, but not the boulder that sits on my heart. they slow down my madly racing mind, but don't bring it's destination any nearer. they give me rest, but not respite. they give me sleep, but not peace.
i popped one. in another 2 hours or so i'll pop another one. effects are temporary says the doc. take only when you need, not more than 2 times a day. everything's temporary i guess. my relief is temporary. but so is my torture that i'm relieved from. just that one is more temporary than the other.
whatever. i wish i cared less. about everything and everyone. i hate being dependent. on pills. on people. no man is an island, they say. well maybe a woman can be one. i'm sure as hell gonna try. i'm sure anxiety attacks and bora bora cannot co-exist. i need to quell the waves. or learn to surf them soon. because gulping water is about two stops short of drowning, and i'm too stubborn and proud to be rescued. the only one who can save me is myself. self-defence lessons would came in handy. to keep those attacks at bay. and many other things at bay. like on an island no? keep the waves at bay. keep the wind at bay. keep the homes safe. rooted. protected. deep in the heart of the island. shielded from all the things the shores keep at bay.
i will build up my island someday. when it's sunnier. now i just gotta brace myself for the looming thuderstorm and survive the tempest. survive myself.
des
12/26/2006 08:13:00 PM
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